|
Latest stumbles
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
BandAidDilemma.net - Your conscience is clear - if, like me, you think that the new version of "Do they know it's Christmas?" is a tribute to mediocrity sung by non-entities the you're probably torn between the feeling that you ought to contribute to charity and the feeling that owning such a record will seriously damange your street cred.
This site offers you an escape route. Buy as many of bl**dy things as you like...
...and trash them.
"Charity. Violence. You know it makes sense."
posted at 1:24 PM
permalink  
From the Ottawa Independent Media Center George Bush has been arrested for War Crimes.
OK, so this is just a beautiful flight of fancy but it's very well done. They seem to have hit every button, even:
"A Britney Spears concert which had been scheduled to occur this evening in Ottawa has been postponed. A spokesman for the entertainer said that Ms. Spears was concerned for the President's wife and two daughters. The spokesman also said that Ms. Spears would be praying for the president."
Uh....like...y'know. Labels: fuckwittery
posted at 9:38 AM
permalink
Monday, November 29, 2004
BBC NEWS | UK | Obituary: John Dunn
It's not every day I turn on the radio and hear of the passing of someone I've actually met.
Don't worry, this isn't a bid to bandwagon jump or claim fame by association. I met him once about 20 years ago. My Dad used to do a lot of promotional work with BBC Radio 2 and for a time had a regular spot on John Dunn's program. Consequently, one evening I found myself in the studio at 5:55 pm (5 minutes before air time).
We were introduced. He immediately recognised my surname and asked after my Dad. I've no idea how many new people he met daily but I suspect it was a lot and I was impressed that he could recall names and people so easily. He broadcast to 3 million people for two hours every day and I was just some kid - he didn't need to impress me or even pay much attention to me - but he eagerly invited me into his studio to show off some new technology they'd just installed.
It was a CD player. He was thrilled with it and his enthusiasm was infectious. I was listening to him explain how it would save time when cueing up the records when I glanced at the clock.
"Mr Dunn, you're on in a minute.."
"No, it's OK, don't worry..." he was playing with the CD tray "...see how this works..?"
"Maybe I should go? It's 30 seconds"
He saw that I was a bit nervous and we shook hands as I thanked him for his hospitality. He cheerfully waved goodbye as I slipped out the door just as the red light came on. The he turned round and started chatting to 3 million other people in exactly the same friendly way he'd just been chatting to me.
It takes a special kind of person to do that. And not many of them manage to be such gentlemen while they're doing it.
posted at 9:19 AM
permalink
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Seen on Seeing The Forest - a Weblog of Politics :
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help.
The RCMP e-mailed the White House. "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
posted at 1:10 PM
permalink
Friday, November 26, 2004
SecurityFocus HOME Columnists: Pass the ChocolateMore than 70% of people would reveal their computer password in exchange for a bar of chocolate...
(...and most of them probably voted Republican too)
posted at 3:21 PM
permalink
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Following on from the issue of educational attainment, I recently found Rate My Professors which is a useful site for anyone planning a stint in a US college. If not, just check out the list of funny ratings which prove that it's much easier to be amusing when you're being negative about someone.
I even managed to find one of my own teachers in there. Nearly two decades later it looks like he hasn't changed much (although I'd take issue with decribing him as the Anti-Christ - I remember him as a very nice guy).
posted at 4:46 PM
permalink
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Textbook disclaimer stickers - the Creationists didn't give up after the Scopes trial. A Gallop Poll discovered recently that forty-five percent of Americans also believe that God created human beings pretty much in their present form about 10,000 years ago. A third of Americans are biblical literalists who believe that the Bible is the actual word of God and is to be taken literally, word for word.
Now they think they have the political high ground in the US, there's been a resurgence in the drive to downplay (if not totally eliminate) the teaching of evolution in American schools. They've started by adding stickers to the covers of science books which they deem to have questionable content (that would be all of 'em presumably). This site offers some alternate stickers which you might find useful.
Having taught in the American education system, I know just how uninformed college students can be; they really don't need any further handicapping (unless of course you want to keep them ignorant so they'll vote for you). However I've got no problem with suggesting students keep an open mind and question everything that they are told.
So when can we start stickering the Bible? Labels: fuckwittery
posted at 2:14 PM
permalink
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
"'It is natural for the common people to not want war but, after all, it is a country's leaders who determine policy and it is an easy matter to convince the people. Whether they have a voice or not, the people can always be made to do what their rulers wish. It's easy. All you have to do is tell them they are under attack and condemn the pacifists for their lack of patriotism and for exposing their country to danger.' ? Marshall Goering, adviser to Hitler; the Nuremberg trials, 1945."
I stand corrected, Republican leaders HAVE studied some history...
posted at 2:47 PM
permalink
Monday, November 22, 2004
Extreme Accounting - when you're tired of Accountancy, you're tired of life. This is brought to you by Arnold Chiswick, Major, 1st Airborne Insolvency Division. Founder and Sec., Extreme-Accounting and is
just the thing for a Monday morning.
(Sylvia - this one's for you)
posted at 9:24 AM
permalink
Sunday, November 21, 2004
At last the Democrats are starting to hit back (well, they've nothing to lose now)
Sorry Everybody - pretty self-explanatory really
Bumper Statements - Oh I wish....
An American Apology for Bush's Religion - written last year, this is quite a balanced overview concluding that economic warfare is probably the easiest way to bring the Bush administration to its knees. Interestingly, this ties in with a recent Salon.com article which points out just how much clout Europe could have if it got its act together (hint: it's more than the USA's)
welcome, the have nots and have even less--you fucking idiots: if you can get past the author's preference for a particular epithet (sample: "FUCK YOU for voting for a goddamn terrorist. you rehired a sadist fuck who only cares if oil is thicker than your blood. ") it's not a bad rant.
This is actually from the UK:
Something Funny Happened On The Way To Abu Ghraib (500KB Flash) - Actually the flash file probably won't load but the summary below it of what was done in the name of '"Democracy" and "Freedom" at Abu Ghraib and why it matters is pretty daming.
A quick reminder of exactly how Republican Double-Think mustwork in order to let them sleep at night. What would have happened if Jesus had contested the election against Bush.
Ad finally: Enjoy The Draft
posted at 2:05 PM
permalink
Saturday, November 20, 2004
(Something similar to this was doing the rounds the last time that walking Oedipus Complex stole an election, but I think the content was slightly different. Either way, this gave me a hollow but satisfying laugh)
To the citizens of the United States of America :-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. All US children will have their history books revised to include the correct start dates for the 2 world wars, namely 1914 and 1939, and not only the last quarter that you took part in.
The use of the following words will be banned-
"neat"
"Math"
"quaint"
"girlfriend" used by any female describing another femal
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
posted at 1:12 AM
permalink
Friday, November 19, 2004
Angry Alien Productions - a rare re-blog. This site now features new productions of Freddy vs. Jason, Scream and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Before you get too scared however, they're only 30 seconds long
And they're still re-enacted by bunnies.
posted at 9:39 AM
permalink
Thursday, November 18, 2004
BBC - Painting the Weather
- I love it when public bodies gang together (and not just because what they do is often free). Here the BBC has teamed up with 50 galleries nationwide to host an online art exhibition on the theme of the weather. You'll probably never be able to see all these images in one place in real life so this is definitely worth a look.
(Additionally, it was a very neat touch to add those meteorological symbols as part of the navigation - my inner usability tester is very impressed)
posted at 10:06 AM
permalink
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
MONSTER ATTACK!!!
Yes, I'm losing it
Real fast....
(this may or may not work, the site sometimes goes for a little lie-down)
posted at 9:51 AM
permalink
Monday, November 15, 2004
WIZMARK - serious or piss-take? You be the judge.
posted at 1:54 PM
permalink
Sunday, November 14, 2004
The Puppy Experiment - can puppies make *anything* cute???
posted at 11:11 AM
permalink
Saturday, November 13, 2004
The International Space Station has now been in orbit for over 2000 days. It's now large enough to be visible to the naked eye from here on Earth.
However, a lot more building work needs to be done and, for this reason, MIT and Vanderbuilt Universities are developing Robonaut. The latest status report indicates that this machine is now sufficiently advanced to change a tire and...
Stop right there boys - you've got a customer right here.Labels: geek
posted at 1:03 AM
permalink
Friday, November 12, 2004
Kite Aerial Photography by Scott Haefner San Francisco Photos - These images are amazing and they come from what is essentially a very simple idea: attach a remote controlled camera to a kite and let it fly.
And if those aren't enough, wait 'til you see the panoramic shots he's produced. I've seen a lot of QTVR images before but this was the first time they ever seemed quite so dramatic.
(damn this vertigo....)
posted at 3:13 PM
permalink
Thursday, November 11, 2004
20 Reasons why you shouldn't post your picture on the internet.
Reason 21: when this page gets finished with it, then I'll have a go...
posted at 9:25 AM
permalink
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Desperate Dad - I found this blog way back in July when it was blog rolled by the Guardian. At the time it was a witty diary written by a nervously expectant father-to-be for his spawn. Since then however the baby's been born.
It's still funny. Addressing his offspring with "Hello, my beautiful, blue-eyed, bawling little shit-machine" he explains:
My sex life is clearly over; I feel like I'm never going to roger anyone ever again. In fact, I could have had it on a plate last week from someone I used to shag regularly just for the exercise and I just couldn't be bothered
I'm sure his daughter will love reading this when she's older.
posted at 7:25 PM
permalink
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
It's been a week now. I think I'm just going to have to get everything else out of my system (and blog drafts file) in one go:
A Right to Vote? Not in the United States - OK so in the light of last week's events this may be starting to look like sour grapes.
But, you know what? I . Don't . Care.
It's a Big Blue World out there. Ever wonder if the US re-elected Bush simply out of tiny-minded cussedness?
Meanwhile many of my American friends are exploring their options regarding relocation. However, even for those who go as far as marrying a Canadian this approach has a few inherent disadvantages:
Bill Hicks once told a story about an American friend of his who complained about the USA. When told, "well, if you don't like it then move somewhere else" the friend's reply would be, "What? And become a victim of our foreign policy?"
(quote found on Boing Boing: Kerry concedes.)
Four More Years of Living on the Other Side of A Country - a New Yorker's personal take on recent events.
www.bushrecall.org - home of "Lord of the Right Wing", still an entertaining flash movie
Fuck the South - a rather pithy little rant with some interesting observations on the viability of some states' isolationist attitudes.
Final thoughts on the US elections - this guy eloquently explains the reasons behind the overwhelming sense of depression evoked by Bush's re-election. And the concluding paragraph is...erm...novel.
He also has a laudably imaginative way of using weather.com to help him depict the view from his family homestead.
Private Eye's cover pretty much says it all
Labels: fuckwittery
posted at 1:07 PM
permalink
Monday, November 08, 2004
It sounds grim but in fact 17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists...by Michael Moore is a fairly realistic liberal look at the outcome of last week's election.
Yeah, I'm desperate and clutching at straws - how could you tell?.
posted at 9:27 AM
permalink
Sunday, November 07, 2004
how to dance properly - zefrank.com - I give it 5 years before all these moves classify as "Dad Dancing"
posted at 9:52 AM
permalink
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Going back to the really important stuff, I found a site which hosts transcripts of most SNL broadcasts, including material from the Golden 80s (when I lived over there for a year and got to see SNL weekly). The collection includes the legendary Bill Shatner broadcast and the Get A Life! sketch.
So, what are you waiting for? Move out of your parents' basement and go check out the site!
posted at 1:50 PM
permalink
Friday, November 05, 2004
posted at 9:48 PM
permalink
Thursday, November 04, 2004
BBC - Cymru'r Byd - Hafan - I don't often say it but this site is way cool.
Most of my family speak Welsh as a first language. However since I was raised in England by parents who felt it was more important to grow up speaking English using received pronunciation, I never learned any Welsh as a child (beyond a few key words to help find out what I'd be getting for Xmas when it was being discussed - in Welsh - in front of me).
However, this site, launched yesterday, looks like it will really help non-Welsh speakers like me. Rather than having to cut and paste chunks of text into Babelfish for a translation, visitors to the BBC Cymru web site only need to mouse over the specific words they don't know and "Vocab" - the BBC's new server-side program - will pop up a translation on the spot. It's almost possible to read a whole sentence in English simply by passing your mouse along the line.
Best of all, the BBC is a public body and won't be putting the software up for sale. They're giving it away for free instead.
I'm feeling better and better about my license fee right now.
Now if I can just stop my mother from finding out how much more Welsh I've learned before Xmas....
posted at 11:37 AM
permalink
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
After yesterday we could probably all use a break. So try Perspicuity - Humor for the Curious Mind - the home pages of a cartoonist with an oblique world view.
Where else would you find "Art Geko" or "The Lunchbag of Notre Dame"?
Chill.
posted at 11:25 AM
permalink
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Extract from an article by Anatole Kaletsky in the London Times last Saturday:
“The primary function of democracy is not to elect good leaders, since nobody can predict in advance how a politician will perform. It is to eject leaders who have manifestly failed. The ability to remove leaders who turn out to be corrupt, dangerous, outrageously dishonest or manifestly incompetent is the primary privilege and duty of any democracy. And if any leader in our lifetime deserved to be ejected by voters, regardless of their ideology or political persuasion, it is surely President Bush.
He inherited a prosperous, peaceful, law-abiding country which was universally admired around the world. He promised, if elected, to govern as a “compassionate conservative”, to end partisan confrontation in Washington and to run a “humble” foreign policy which would respect other countries and show restraint in the use of America’s global power.
Four years later, he presides over a struggling economy, the steepest four-year loss of jobs since the Great Depression, and now has the biggest budget deficits and trade imbalances on record. Far worse, he started an unnecessary war on false pretences and mismanaged it so disastrously that the instability of the Middle East is probably now a greater danger to world peace than the Soviet Union was during the Cold War. The President has failed in his primary military mission of capturing or killing Osama bin Laden and destroying al-Qaeda.
Even the task of eliminating the Taliban and stopping the flow of fundamentalist teachings from Saudi Arabia has proved too much. Imagine the state of the world today if instead of invading Iraq, America had finished the job against Saudi Arabia, the Taliban and al-Qaeda. If, for example, Mr Bush had devoted a fraction of the military manpower and the $200 billion wasted in Iraq on rebuilding Afghanistan that benighted country would soon be the Switzerland of the Himalayas.
To make matters worse, Mr Bush has failed in all these tasks, while breaking every promise he made about his character and leadership style. Instead of running a bipartisan government of national unity, he has been the most ideological, divisive and extremist leader America has ever seen. Instead of showing humility in his international dealings, his punitive and aggressive foreign policies — not only against Iraq but also against North Korea, Venezuela, Iran and even Germany and France — have transformed America into the most hated country on earth. Instead of respecting the primacy of the US Constitution, he has imprisoned thousands of people without trial or charge — many no doubt dangerous terrorists, but some presumably just ordinary people caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.
If Americans cannot bring themselves to vote against the President after this record, we must ask whether American democracy is capable of performing its primary function.”
Labels: fuckwittery
posted at 9:30 PM
permalink
Monday, November 01, 2004
Presidential Guidester - STILL haven't made your mind up yet?!?!?!?
My favorite is the "Political Experience" list under "Person/Background". If it's extremely important to you that the next President "has been President" then you probably don't need to fill out the rest of the form.
In fact you probably don't even need this form.
Just vote for Mr Kerry. OK?
( This blog entry has been brought to you by me, Canada, Europe and in fact the rest of the planet)
posted at 3:22 PM
permalink
to top
|
